Given The Current Situation: Writing About Not Writing
My last post on this blog was over two years ago as I was leaving a North American Saxophone Alliance conference in Cincinnati. I’ve thought many times about things I’d like to write about here, and have written none of them since. I decided to stop that streak by reflecting on my history of doing things other than writing.
I moved to Seattle in September of 2011 to begin my doctoral studies. In Virginia five months prior, I had packed almost all of my worldly possessions into my 2004 Saturn (still going strong!) and drove to Long Beach, California over three days to reunite with my now-wife who was pursuing her own graduate work. After a few months working short-term cruise ship saxophone jobs to make ends meet, we caravanned up to Seattle and have been here ever since.
I completed the bulk of my coursework in my first two years at the University of Washington, and returned for a third essentially to prepare my remaining recital and begin the process of my general examinations and dissertation writing. This transition process…was lengthier than my initial coursework. Simply put, with my teaching assistantship having run its course, I was busy figuring out how to make a living as a freelance musician in a city where most of my time had been devoted to academia. I kept one foot in at the university by playing in the Wind Ensemble with the generous support of director Timothy Salzmann and developed a small roster of saxophone and clarinet students. Between 2014 and 2015 I was playing in four bands at any given time, traveling all over for wedding dates and late-night bar gigs. Even with that, it wasn’t all music yet – I also conducted guided running tours of downtown Seattle, produced events for a local museum, and participated in focus groups! The days were varied and generally fun; and, I could see the path to a fully musical career that I wanted if I continued to push forward. Very few times did I think about the doctoral dissertation I had not yet completed…or begun.
When the thoughts of the writing that lay ahead of me did pop into my head, they were easy to squash back down under a stream of “I’m just too busy right now” and “I’ll have time to start once this next show is done” and myriad variations of these convenient excuses. But, each time I pushed these feelings down, my guilt about not beginning grew and grew until it was an insurmountable wall between me and my keyboard. I even knew what I wanted to write about, but could just not bring myself to prioritize it!
My breakthrough came in the fall of 2015 when my wife and I decided to take a week-long trip to Shanghai, China. We took advantage of some seriously cheap plane tickets and visited some college friends who were music teachers in China and were supremely generous to let us crash on their futon for the duration of our trip. On our flight over, I began reading Haruki Murakami’s What I Talk About When I Talk About Running. I had begun running regularly several years prior and perhaps thought that at least reading about exercise might be nice on a twelve-hour international flight? I still recommend this book to many of my students and colleagues, even if they have no inclination to jog a single step. For, as much as this book is about running, it is also about writing and the daily routine that goes into any endeavor. Moreover, this trip broke up my day-to-day routine and habits that I had set at home. I had found it near impossible to prioritize beginning on this intimidating project; but, the time away suddenly gave me clarity to ponder what changes I could make in my life at home that would get me started.
When we arrived back in Seattle, I set aside a few two-hour blocks in my schedule after teaching and began to research and simply write some ideas that had been flowing into my head over the previous years. I didn’t concern myself with structure or even quality yet – I simply set forth to create a new habit. Soon, in talking to my professors and colleagues, I settled upon an organization for my document, modifying templates I had seen used in other dissertations. With an order in place, it became easier to write. I could focus on one chapter at a time and make short-term goals for myself. I was not longer concerned with the lingering totality of this document, but just finishing a chapter by next Tuesday…
I spent most of 2016 writing. I practiced less, saw friends less - did everything else less. My prime hours were generally 10 PM to 1 AM. And, I remember staring outside our kitchen windows beyond my laptop while our cat, Mona, dozed on the chair next to me. Still, it wasn’t always continuous. The summer of that year was filled with touring and two weeks of coordinating the Seattle Saxophone Institute. But, I knew I had made enough progress, and circled a date in September to start my routine again. Finally, I asked to replace my Wind Ensemble stipend with a scholarship that would go toward paying for my final hours of dissertation defense. Now, if I didn’t complete my work, I’d be forfeiting real money. Knowing that, I completed my work in March 2017 and walked at commencement that summer!
Where does this story lead?
Had it not been for that break in my routine to visit our friends coinciding with reading a book on writing and habits, I’m not sure if I would have ever found the catalyst to begin writing. It took an extreme shift in my day-to-day patterns to let me think about my long-term goals over my short-term priorities. Riding the subway around a city where I only knew two people and two words to communicate gave me the space I needed to align my vision of what I wanted my life to be back home, and what kind of career I wanted to craft for myself going forward. I recall discussing this with my wife, who said “If you don’t prioritize your long-term goals, your short-term becomes your long-term!” That has stuck with me to this day.
Today, I’m sitting at home writing again. I was supposed to be rehearsing for a four-week long national tour with The Dip and seeing about thirty students in my own studio and various schools in the Seattle area. For posterity sake for anyone reading this later, a global pandemic that travelled to the United States by way of my home city has cancelled the tour and left me teaching just a handful of online lessons each day. I’m heartbroken to be removed from doing the things I love as a musician and teacher. But, just like my trip in 2016, I’m trying to use the opportunity to reframe what daily life can look like again. I’ve read countless corporate emails that begin “Given The Current Situation…” to the point where it has begun to seem like a slogan for our Seattle Shutdown.
I’ve wanted to write here countless times over the past months. Each time, the gravity of a “first post” since 2018 became a difficult boundary to overcome in my head. Which…is dumb. This is a single blog, on a single website, that very few people will find their way to read. Not to mention, as this climbs to 1,300 words, I would wonder how many people are still reading this far! So, I decided to take a few hours this afternoon while my wife is on her own work-from-home calls to keep our house relatively quiet and sit down to type this stream-of-consciousness memoir.
With this reintroduction out of the way, I hope to finally bring forth a few ideas that have been sifting around my brain for the past few years. But first, wanted to reflect on why I’ve stopped writing (or never started) in the past. Given the current situation, why not?